The Reality Institute

Blog 11: Dog Blog

I thought about becoming a teacher for awhile. I even tutored! And there’s one thing I learned from teaching kids and it’s that they are always asking for help writing essays. I decided that I wanted to help kids write essays. There’s three basic essay forms: explorative, debatatory, and predatory. So I thought I’d tackle the debatatory form. So, kids, if you need help writing an argumentative paper with lots of good arguments.

Almost everyone knows that humans have opposable thumbs. What most people don’t know is that dogs look like they want opposable thumbs. I’ve been around dogs. And lately, I can’t help but look at them and notice how badly they want opposable thumbs. Then, I think about how weird they look.

First: Dogs have big heads. Their heads are so huge. It always looks weird and I think it’s because they don’t have arms. If they had arms and bigger legs, they’d look like a little guy.

Two: Dogs should be bipeds. They’re always walking around on all fours like an animal. I bet they wish they could walk on two legs. Sometimes they even try!

Three: The dumbest thing about looking at dogs is that they always have to use their mouths to do stuff. Like, if they want you to play ball with them, they just walk up with the ball in their mouth! Then they drop the ball. Or if you play tug-oh:war with them they have to use their mouths to play. It’s so weird!

Four: If you look at their paws, it’s like they don’t have fingers. Isn’t it?

Five: Underneath it all, we’re all the same.

But just look at dogs walking around and picture them as dumb people. In a way, if you think about it, they look like people with arms fixed out in front of them and no thumbs, crawling around on the floor and grabbing stuff with their mouths. What a buncha jerks.

Six: They can’t talk, but they keep trying! I know a dog that barks using several different tones in the same bark. It’s like he’s trying to speak Chinese, but can’t pronounce the words the same because he doesn’t have the same vocal chords and developed portions of the brain, like Broca’s area, to make the noises that humans do. Here’s a video of a dog talking. It’s so disturbing.

In conclusion: dogs look like weird people crawling on the ground and trying to talk and grabbing stuff with their mouths all day. Someday they’ll probably talk, so watch what you say!

There kids, I hope that helps you learn to treat dogs with a little more respect!


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