TRENDWATCH 2009! Part ONE by Max Read
A blog entry from Max Read’s mind grapes dot edu. Mind Grapes: Gain Knowledge by eating Mind Grapes.
HEY FOLKS!
Wow, what a year we’ve had!! I graduated from COLLEGE, the PHILLIES won the OLYMPICS, BARACK OBAMA won THE BIG ELECTION (remember that guy?! LOL!), and of course the world kept turning! In fact, it can be KIND OF HARD to remember EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED, especially if YOU HAVE ALZHEIMER’S SYNDROME or DISEASE or WHATEVER! Well! You’re in LUCK! As part of MIND GRAPES DOT EDU’s special TRENDWATCH 2009 series, here’s a look back at the big TRENDS, NEWS, PEOPLE and TRENDS of the LATE, GREAT, 2008!
1) SARAH PALIN SHOOTS THE WOLF OF OUR HEART FROM THE HELICOPTER OF HER BEAUTY – Without a doubt, this was the YEAR of the PALIN! Between RUNNING for PRESIDENT and her HIGH-PROFILE GIG writing TV’S SNL’S SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, SEXY SARAH was basically EVERYWHERE in 2008!! We LIKED her when she had a BABY on a PLANE (even though it was RETARDED!), but we LOVED her when her daughter was impregnated by some kind of PRIMITIVE ESKIMO, and we BASICALLY TRIED TO GO TO THIRD BASE WITH HER when she STOLE JOHN CAIN’S CREDIT CARD to go on a PUNK ROCK SHOPPING SPREE in the BIG APPLE!! And even though she LOST THE BIG RACE, you can still check out her TV SHOW, THIRTY ROCK FROM THE SUN, which is on CBS or TBS or SOMETHING!
2) ECONOMY JUST LIKE TOTALLY FUCKED – Like EVERYONE ELSE, I basically assumed this was all the fault of THE JEWS, but then I read this article in THE NEW YORK TIMES and it turns out it was mostly just METH HEADS in ARIZONA just sort of GIVING EACH OTHER MORTGAGES on their MOBILE HOMES and CAVES and stuff and then basically NEVER PAYING THEM and just SELLING THE MORTGAGES to WASPS and JEWS and UPENN GRADS in NEW YORK CITY and USING THE MONEY to purchase MORE METH and also JOSH GROBAN ALBUMS and DINNER AT APPLEBEE’S. Apparently this is called CAPITALISM, and it RULES! SO, you know, EMAIL ME if you want A MORTGAGE!! DOUBLE POINTS if you are ADDICTED TO METH!
3) MICHAEL PHILLIPS AND USAIN BOLT: THE FLASH VS. SUPERMAN OF 2008 – Now if I was going to write a FANFIC about MICHAEL and USAIN they probably wouldn’t do any GAY SHIT like RESCUING PUPPIES or CURING CANCER or VISITING SUDAN, instead they would go on RAD ADVENTURES, basically like SOLVING CRIMES IN SPACE and SLAPPING OSAMA IN THE FACE and KILLING BIGFOOT or whatever, and they would have VIDEO WATCHES and probably HOVER BOARDS and then maybe when they were done they would WASH EACH OTHER’S BACK IN THE SHOWER and Michael would say HEY USAIN HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A GIRL BEFORE?
4) GEORGIA AND RUSSIA: THE FLASH VS. SUPERMAN OF 2008 – I forgot this even happened!! Does anyone have any UPDATES?! I’m pretty sure that RUSSIA WON, since they’re like basically a REAL COUNTRY with a MASSIVE ARMY and like BOMBS and TANKS and everything, but I stopped PAYING ATTENTION pretty early. I’m not really even SURE what they were FIGHTING ABOUT, probably some kind of VODKA, or maybe Russia INVADED them BY MISTAKE since Georgia is VERY DIFFICULT TO FIND on a map! Plus it has the same name as a U.S. STATE, so I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND THE CONFUSION!
5) ELIOT SPITZER TURNS OUT TO BE AS CREEPY AS HE ALWAYS LOOKED – Now, I’m all for REMOVING Spitzer from office but are we SURE we want A BLIND DUDE in the GOVERNOR’S CHAIR?! I’m not much of POLITICS BUFF but I’m pretty sure being GOVERNOR requires a lot of READING!! (Here’s what I REALLY want to know: is it REALLY that EASY to get a HOOKER?! Does anyone have MORE INFORMATION about this? Please CONTACT ME!)
