The Reality Institute

The Backs of the Unbroken or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Giant

“Well, yeah, I know it’s the Giant’s responsibility to hold us up. If he didn’t, we’d fall into oblivion.”

“Then, I guess I just don’t really see what you’re getting at.”

“Well, we know that the Giant is a being of unlimited strength, I’m just saying, what if he lets go?”

“The Giant would do that?”

“Why not?”

“I don’t think you’re really getting this, Meander. It’s not a matter of whether the Giant is going to drop us because he just wouldn’t do that. So long as he can lift our planet up into space with his massive hands, we’ll be fine. And I, for one, don’t think that there will be a time when he’ll lose his grip. Who’s with me?”

“Here here!”

“I’m just trying to make sure that we’re not headed for a crash into oblivion here, gentlemen. I want to prepare for the worst.”

“Yes, Chancellor Oblen.”

“But why should we waste the tax payers’ hard earned money on something else when we’ve got a perfectly good system right here? I mean, the Giant holds the planet up and we go about our daily lives.”

“Here here!”

“I know I sleep soundly at night knowing the Giant holds us up!”

“Here here!”

“Chancellor Oblen, Chancellor Dublings, I understand where you’re coming from completely, but hear me out for a minute. Now this idea may shock some of you. Chancellor Faintsalot, I advise you to brace yourself for we all know your medical history. But what if- this is just an idea here, gentlemen- what if the Giant were to just hurl us into the atmosphere?”

“Why, we wouldn’t get heat from the sun at all!”

“Oh my!”

“Somebody, please help Chancellor Faintsalot up to his chair.”

“Now, Meander, you’re saying that the Giant is going to literally throw us like some kind of sports ball into the depths of space?”

“Grumble grumble grumble.”

“Why, that’s preposterous!”

“Here here!”

“Gentlemen, gentlemen! Calm yourselves. Meander is one of our top scientists; let’s listen to what she has to say. Tell us more about your ‘sports ball theory’.”

“I just think that we do not actually know much about the Giant. In fact, we hardly know anything. He or she could-“


“Oh my!”

“Please, would someone help Chancellor Faintsalot regain consciousness and when he recovers, advise him to sit the rest of this meeting out?”

“Now, you’re saying that the Giant’s a girl? What is she, like a tomboy?”

“What? No, that’s not what I’m saying; what does that even have to do with anything?”

“I wouldn’t be worried about her throwing us into space, let alone throwing us five feet!”

“Har har har har.”

“Gentlemen, gentlemen! Calm yourselves. Meander is one of our top scientists; let’s listen to what she has to say. Tell us more about your ‘girly giant theory’.”

“Is this some sort of feminist rhetoric?”

“Here here!”

“This is exactly what I’m talking about. You Chancellors are sitting here in your lair off the coast of the Galapagos. You don’t seem to see the reality here. Whoever this Giant is, you underestimate him or her to such an extent that you think everything is perfectly fine. The fact that you even assume the Giant is male, just shows the level of your ignorance. The truth of the matter is that the Giant, with its unlimited strength, has the capacity to do whatever he or she or it likes with the planet. Once the Giant sees that it’s just being used to hold the Earth up, it might very well throw us into the sun where we would all be burned alive because we all know that the sun is very hot.”

“Like when my servant threw my tea at my face!”

“Exactly, Chancellor. Just like your servant. And how did that feel?”

“It was hot!”

“I think I get it, Meander.”

“Yes, Chancellor Whitman?”

“…So what you’re saying is… we have to realize that it is our responsibility as well as the Giant’s to hold this planet up. It is our job to make sure that Giant doesn’t wake up and know the power he has to throw us into Saturn where we could be cut up by those deadly rings that protect it!”

“Here here! Here here! Here here! Here here!”

“No, I don’t think you understand.”

“Here here! Here here! Here here! Here here!”

“No, that’s not what I meant. Stop chanting. Everyone, stop chanting!”

“Here here! Here here! Here here! Here here!”

“You, Chancellor Dittlebee, you must understand. You, Chancellor Rollins, stop chanting for a minute. Chancellor Hartsworth?”

“Here here! Here here! Here here! Here here!”

And at that moment, the Giant woke up and heard the words Meander tried to speak to the gathering of Chancellors. It flexed its muscles and saw how unlimited its strength really was. The Giant then punted the trembling planet into the Sun. And they all lived happily ever after.

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