The Healthy Imperative by Byron Alexander Campbell
It was supposed to be the year of healthy living.
I know that as soon as I post this update, I’m going to get roughly 7 million responses from my BodyWatch Inner Circle (luv ya!) saying, “LaJoindRa, you make that same resolution EVERY NEW YEARS EVE!!!!”! Lol, I know! [j/k, I luv u guys] But you know what, this year was going to be really special. <3 Lol, it’s so depressing and disappointing I don’t even want to talk about it. :”’( But I know some of you guys (u kno who u are!!) love a good BackSliding story. Can’t disappoint my loyal fans. ;p
Now if you’re reading this, you’re in my Inner Circle [can't let the plebs see me in a moment of weakness loljk], so you know I’ve always been a BodyConscious person. It started when I was 12 years old and my Daddy took me to get my first vag-plasty. I wasn’t naive enough that I didn’t know what it was for (thanks, Mom xxxooo), but I guess I never thought about needing to get it done myself, even though I’d sat in for Mom’s rejuves once or twice by that age. But then again, she’d had me! [lol ;p] Any vag would need a little refreshment after that. You only need to look at my ankle molding pics to guess that, even as a girl, that girl [me ] got legs!!!!!!!
If you can remember your first time, you know that it can be easy to lose perspective on your health and wonder if all the pain is really worth it. Yeah, I cried in the car home. :””’( But my Daddy just sat me up in front of the mirror, showed me the before and “after” pics of the comp reconstruction, and told me that I’d be thanking him in a few years. Ain’t no guy wants to date a girl with a droopy vag, especially in High School!!!
Then we sat down and had a long, honest talk about my body, what I could get done and when, how to take care of it so that I could avoid touch-ups (ugly bruises, y’all! Who needs ‘em???), and all the stuff I really needed to hear. That’s why I love my Daddy so much. If he hadn’t been honest with me about my body from day 1, I would never have become the person I am today. Love u, Daddy!!!! I asked him when I could get my boobs done, and he just laughed and said I’d have to grow some first! Boy, did I show him in a few years!
[BTW, the first and only time Hubby Mark mentioned he'd like to see my boobs "just a little bit bigger," I looked down and told him he'd better worry about growing a pair of you-know-what's before he has any right to complain about my luscious DD's! Hubby Mark, one and only one man has the right to talk about my body that way, and that's my Daddy!!! And then I started leaving Dr. Dendrist's testicular enhancement brochures out where Hubby Mark could see them, making a point of looking down and stifling a giggle during sex, and a week later Hubby Mark surprised me by showing he had gone up a "cup" size too! If you know what I mean. Now he's a BodyWatcher too, follow him at @HubMark23cm]
OMG, I can see the “tl;dr” comments flashing before my eyes j/k!! Come on, you’re in my Inner Circle, you bitches should hang on every word I say!!! lol. Okay, okay, I’ll get to the point. :p
As you know, I have a tradition of getting a little vag touch-up once a year on my birthday. Since I’m a Capricorn, I usually don’t have to wait long after making my New Years Resolution before I’m back in Dr. Dendrist’s stirrups!! You can see photos of earlier touch-ups here and here, here, here, here, and here. As you can see, the yearly tightening was especially necessary after Nevaeh-Lynn was born. Not that she came out of my vag (seriously, how dumb do you think I am!??), but it’s more like I was just getting older and the hormones, etc. [Dear God, why can't I stay 16 forever!?!! Luv LaJoindRa Mae <3 :-*] That, and there’s another vag in the house I have to compete with…baby vag can make even the tighest girl feel like she’s got elephant vag! jkjkj LOL
Hubby Mark and I have this running joke where we’ve had our “business” remodeled so many times [he gets his ding-dong done once a year as a Happy Birthday present from yours truly, I know I am too good to him ] that one day we’ll start getting busy and it won’t fit together anymore! But it hasn’t happened yet! The secret is to use lots of lube Nevaeh-Lynn probably thinks she has quite the pornstar parents, we sound like a couple of first-time teenagers whenever Dr. Dendrist gives us the thumbs up after Hubby Mark’s “big” day!!! lol
|^o so ANYWAY, the PLAN was to do my rejuve on Jan. 19th as usual, then touch up my butt, tum and thighs on the 25th, then get my forehead and lips injected on the 30th so I would be healed up in time for Hubby’s big day (he liked those plump lips…but only for kissing ;p you perv!!! j/k i’ll never tell ;-*…) And I had a BIG suprise planned for you all…something I had talked over with Daddy, and it was going to be a HUGE change for me. It’s never going to happen now, of course, so I’ll spare you the details, but let’s just say I was finally going to do something about this. I know, rite? EWW> Imagine living with that for 7 years? Good thing they make umbilicoplasty. And to top it all off, Dr. Dendrist said that while he was in the area, he would take another look at getting Nevaeh-Lynn’s birth scar reduced. I worked SO HARD to carry Nevaeh-Lynn for 8 and a 1/2 months without ANY stretch marks, and all I want is to be able to wear this bikini without smearing my belly with cover-up! :S
and in case you’re thinking my idea of Healthy Living is giving Dr. Dendrist all of my Daddy’s money, THINK AGAIN!!!!! You people in my Inner Circle already know this, but I’m going to say it again: normal diet and exercise is NOTHING compared to a good pre-op and post-op maintenance routine. Next time your non-BodyConscious friends act like you didn’t EARN your healthy bod, I want you to give them a big slap in the face courtesy of your besty LaJoindRa Mae. Honestly, how hard is it for some people to realize that A POST-OP BODY DOES NOT HEAL ITSELF!!! and that being able to “bounce back” after my yearly touch-ups, plus the Pregnancy From Hell, is the epitome of Healthy Living??? I WORK HARDER THAN ANY OF YOU FOR MY BODY, AND IT IS BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! more than any of you jokers. Sorry, that was for my non-BodyConscious friends, who just do NOT GET IT sometimes. UGH> :SSS
I mean, I do my toning exercises like I’m supposed to, I eat the horseshit that is on Dr. Dendrist’s diet plan, I spend practically my ENTIRE LIFE working on staying healthy, and some NBC [non-BodyConscious] person has the nerve to tell me I have not EARNED the RIGHT to raise my sweet baby Nevaeh-Lynn however the fuck I want, like I am some kind of “bad influence” on her because I care about maintaining a healthy lifestyle? FUCK OFF ALL OF YOUUUUUU!!!U!U!!!!
So here’s what happened, in full. I wrote a little note to Mrs. Hagface, Nevaeh-Lynn’s second grade teacher [HubMark and I have a joke where we call her Mrs. Hagface because she is definitely not a BodyWatcher, people. But her real name is Mrs. Hagfish] instructing her that Nevaeh-Lynn would be missing school for a few weeks because I was surprising her with her first little touch-up (I know, how precious ) and Dr. Dendrist said since she is so young, it could take up to a month to heal properly. At first I wanted to give her a vag-plasty like my Daddy gave me, but Dr. Dendrist said she is too young at 7 SO my second choice was to give her a little tum tuck and umbilicoplasty [seriously ew looks like she inherited Mommy's gag-inducing belly button that was HER FAULT ANYWAY...j/k Nevaeh luv u hun :-*...I almost feel embarassed to dress her in a bikini when we go to the pool]. Nevaeh-Lynn wasn’t too thrilled about missing school and the whole “surgery” thing, but I tried to explain to her that this wasn’t like surgery for sick people, like Nanna. This was surgery for healthy people like Mommy and Daddy.
Anyway, since I didn’t get a reply I figured everything was set, so I called Dr. Dendrist to schedule her appointment. Then 2 days later I get a knock on my door and it is some bitchnugget from FUCKING CPS Child Protective Services!!! I was like, WTF???? U all kno me, I am like the best mom evah to Nevaeh-Lynn! And then I found out that FUCKING CUNT!!!!!!!! Hagface called them and they were “concerned” about my big surprise for Nevaeh-Lynn.
? YOU ARE IN MY INNER CIRCLE, HOW AM I NOT THE BEST MOTHER IN THE FUCKING WORLD??????? I mean, my God, at least I care about my baby’s little body and making her be her best she can be?? I seriously could not speak for like fifteen minutes I was so OUTRAGED. >:[ So the CPS fuckface started getting all up in my business, asking me every little detail of my PRIVATE schedule with Dr. Dendrist that I only share with you all on here, my trusted friends. And as soon as I could talk, I was like, WTF does this have to do with Nevaeh-Lynn? And then they started asking about the pain meds Dr. Dendrist prescribes me, which, again, is my PRIVATE BUSINESS last time I checked. When they said I was being “uncooperative” I was just like, uh, YEAH? :/ And then that little sexless bitch called Hubby Mark at work, even though I TOLD her it was supposed to be a surprise for him? And they had already spoken to Dr. Dendrist, and they said they were quote “very disturbed” by what they learned!?
Do you want to hear the worst part!!? Then Hubby Mark calls me, and he starts fucking screaming his head off at me EVEN THOUGH THE CPS BITCH WAS STANDING RIGHT THERE, telling me he didn’t “approve” of my surprise plans for MY fucking daughter. Like, OMFG, whose body did she come out of? Don’t I have any RIGHTS as a mother anymore? She is practically like another part of my body. CAN”T I DO WHAT I WANT WITH MY OWN BODY!!!!! Like you wouldn’t tell somebody that she wasn’t allowed to do what she wanted with her own like lipo fat or whatever, like if she wanted to make scented candles or FUCK!!! It just makes me so mad.
So I tell the little CPS skank virgin to fuck off, and I get in the car and drive straight to Skabowton Elementary and go straight to Nevaeh-Lynn’s classroom and tell Evelyn fucking Hagface EXACTLY what I think of her. Then I grab Nevaeh-Lynn by the hand and tell her starting next week she’ll be going to a new school, and I practically have to drag her to the car, and the little bitch is crying the whole way like this is somehow MY fault, and we drive straight to Dr. Dendrist’s office, except GUESS WHAT?
When we got there, it was like the whole thing had never existed…no sign on the door, which was locked even though it was a Tuesday, no forwarding address, nothing, just a note saying that the office was “Under Inspection” by the California Medical Board. I called Dr. Dendrist and left like 20 messages on his cell, but the little coward won’t call me back. I stood there for a while banging on the door and shouting—I knew he was hiding back there somewhere with the lights off—but then I started hearing sirens and I got scared, so I got back in the car, where Nevaeh-Lynn was STILL crying, and I started driving. At first I starting driving home, but then I realized that the CPS fuckface and EX-Hubby Mark were probably waiting there for me with the police, so I am writing this update from the lobby of a hotel “you don’t know where” (it’s a secret )
I can feel my vag getting looser as we speak. Seriously, what’s a Healthy Livin’ girl to do?