The following is the sensational screenplay by C.N. Fusumu from which the blockbuster, feature-length film of the same title is based (coming to theaters and VOD this Christmas), preceded by the query letter that made it all possible.

Dear Hollywood Representation Directory,

               Attached you will find a tantalizing preview of the first few storyboard panels in a completed screenplay for my project, IPHONE 5 IS BORN FROM A GOSSAMER-THIN SAC SOMEWHERE IN GUANGDONG PROVINCE. My grandfather was a survivor of the Holocaust until his death last spring, and I have a lot of his stories floating around about it– in case you need some. If you are interested in taking a look at the rest of the screenplay, please do not hesitate to e-mail me immediately at my e-mail address: c.n.fusumu@gmail.com. Please include “MCAFEE SECURITY WARNING: VIRUS ENCLOSED” in the subject line, so my Mom doesn’t open it if she is snooping around my inbox. Thank you for your consideration.

iPhone 5 is born from a Gossamer-thin Sac Somewhere in Guangdong Province

A screenplay by C. N. Fusumu

PANEL 1. A Chinese Boy Youth and a Chinese Girl Youth wriggle into the sloppy uterine folds of a chamber connected to a confusing web of medical tubes and pincers holding it in place. In the background there is a Chinese Boy Adult holding a fairly impressive clipboard. The Chinese Girl Youth’s sand deposit butt is still sticking out of the flaps of the chamber’s entrance, kind of, (the Chinese boy youth went in first, little bastard!) which is somewhat sexy but also a little revolting.

PANEL 2. Big bursts (that are also giant (and downright fucking electric)) of electricity electrify the sticky gross inner folds of the chamber, through some kind of injection of powerful energy which is maybe a derivative of fireworks but inconceivably scary. The burst is going through the aforementioned medical tubes at the speed of sound, probably faster. Chinese Boy Adult Behind the Glass drops his clipboard, and his mouth is now wide-Asian open and possibly rounded… not to mention his eyes are bulging out of his glasses.

PANEL 3. The entire electric grid of Guangdong Province flickers on and off. A collection of Gambling Chinese Boy Adults are flipping out due to not being able to see their gambling chips or beer in accordance with the well-known scientific principles of light and vision, though they are (the chips and beer), ostensibly right in front of them, shrouded in the opposite of light.

PANEL 4. Out the back hole of the chamber, which is basically what a bee has for a butt (except there is no stinger but instead something more like that elevated egg sac chute on the mother alien from the second Alien movie), a completely slimed-out green stack of shit oozes out making the Chinese Boy Adult dry heave and also laugh Asianly.

PANEL 5. American Boy Business Suit-wearer stomps into the room, checking his watch, and swipes away a ton of the goop from the stack of shit with his gargantuan hands-shaking hands. He hands a pile of the goop to a hole in the ground where it is vacuumed or otherwise disappeared via a sucking SFFFFFTT sound you can almost see.

PANEL 6. American Boy Business Suit-wearer holds up a brand-fucking-new thinner, lighter, Apple A6-powered iPhone 5, which supports a 16:9 aspect ratio and has a 4-inch slick goddamn screen, a 1.2 megapixel dope-ass camera, 1 GB of memory, the controversial but stunning Lightning Connecter and boasts tons of positive critical reception on Amazon.com and other websites for being probably the sickest, most curved machine yet made by Man

Look forward to the stunning motion picture starring Ryan Reynolds, Ryan Gosling,  Meg Ryan, and Jason Gordon-Love Hewitt this holiday season.

 

A little bit about C.N. Fusumu:  Sorry for taking so long to get back to you, I have been unironically watching an E! Channel marathon of “Keeping Up With the Kardashians”. Nobody is in the house right now, and it is the only opportunity I get to watch Kim, Kourtney and the Other One for several hours straight without being beaten up or mocked. Season 7/Episode 02 was first; I poured myself a glass of white wine (I don’t know what the name of it was; I threw the bottle at a corner of my bathroom for reasons I cannot go into right now…) and watched as Bruce Jenner scared the crap out of Kim with a spider. At first, I balked, and then, I laughed… and then I went on every social media platform available to subsribe to my newfound Godess, Kim. I mean, she screamed like a little baby and ran down the hallway of their mansion, her buttocks jiggling in a really amazing way. THAT is entertainment. I keep a copy of Infinite Jest on the table by the toilet, to make people thing I am smart, but THIS is what I really live for. Season 7/Episode 03 was next, and in that hour I really came to identify with Scott, Kim’s kind of good-looking, useless brother who is pretty much a dumbass idiot loser but nevertheless exists in this world, which is as much as any of us can say. That is as close as I am capable of calling a biography. I refer to the final sentence and not the entire paragraph, which now seems long and rambling, and I wonder why I am/was/are continuing to type it.

Follow C.N. on Twitter @bedbugs99