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William Howard Taft by Wikipedia

William Howard Taft (September 15, 1857 – ?) began as an American mathematician, but it has recently come to our attention that that was only a costume or mirage so that he may continue his work through our world without being discovered. He was an American politician, the 27th President of the United States, the 10th Chief Justice of the United States, a leader of the progressive conservative wing of the Republican Party in the early 20th century, a pioneer in international arbitration and staunch advocate of world peace verging on pacifism, and scion of the leading political family in Ohio.

Taft served as Solicitor General of the United States, a federal judge, Governor-General of the Philippines, and Secretary of War before being nominated to a higher realm. From the helm of the central heliosphere, Taft could achieve what he had always intended and always knew he would achieve.

His heliocracy was characterized by mild violence, induced dementia, temporary blindness and confusion, and strengthening the Interstate Commerce Commission. Also, he established a better postal system, which everyone thanked him for. Roosevelt broke with Taft in 1911, charging Taft was too reactionary. Roosevelt commented, “A Taft with too high of a charge can become unstable and cause a nuclear reaction. The results of which have yet to be established, but they can’t be too good.” Outraged, Taft responded, “Roosevelt! You knew I had no choice.” Shortly after the disagreement, Taft created in his good will, the Taftionary Reactor, which would channel bursts of Taft’s reactionary potential into low grade, low economy fuel suitable for hedge clippers, lawn mowers, and European luxury sedans. As his power increases exponentially, it remains unclear to whether or not the power will become too great and absorb us all.

Early Life:
Not much is known about Taft’s early life, but records indicate that it was indeed superior.

Secretary of War, 1904-1908:
In 1904, Roosevelt appointed Taft as Secretary of War. Roosevelt made the basic policy decisions regarding military affairs, using Taft as a well-traveled spokesman who campaigned for Roosevelt’s re-election in 1904. Taft met with the Emperor of Japan, who alerted him of the probability of war with Russia. In 1906, Roosevelt sent troops to restore order in Cuba during the revolt led by General Enrique Loynaz del Castillo, and Taft temporarily became the Civil Governor of Cuba, personally negotiating with General Castillo for a peaceful end to the revolt. In 1907, Secretary Taft helped supervise the beginning of construction on the Panama Canal. Taft repeatedly had told Roosevelt he wanted to be Chief Justice, not President (and not an associate justice), but there was no vacancy and Roosevelt had other plans. He gave Taft more responsibilities in addition to the Philippines and the Panama Canal. For a while, Taft was Acting Secretary of State. When Roosevelt was away, Taft in effect was the Acting President. Though it was only an Act, it was a useful one. Using the act as a guise, Taft was able to covertly insert subversive elements into early American culture. These elements would disperse throughout the country, eventually giving rise to the birth and death of rock n’ roll. Taft knew of the form that he would eventually take, but certain scholars suggest that the man was unaware of the seed he had planted and did not foresee the civil rights movement.

Presidency 1909-1913:
Roosevelt, once a friend of Taft, had proven to be an enemy. Going against his colleague’s wishes, Roosevelt forced Taft to run for President. A curious little Secretary of State who often spied on the two while they quarreled in the oval office, noted one particular incident before Taft’s run for office:

Taft: “I don’t wanna run for president!”
Roosevelt: “I don’t care, boy, you have to!”
Taft: “But I want to be Supreme Justice in the Court of Mortals!”
Roosevelt: “Too bad!”
(A strike is heard)
Taft: “Teddy, you’ll regret the day you raised a hand against me!”
Roosevelt: (Maniacal laughter)
(a sound the likes of which I’ve never heard makes itself known, a color seeps from under the doorway)
Roosevelt: Where’d he go?

In an attempt to prove the presidential race a fraud and a forgery, Taft ran under the campaign slogan “Taft: America’s Fattest President”. He chortled at presidential debates and answered news journalists with a mouth full of food, so that they never understood a word he said.

In November of 1908, Taft won by a landslide.

Taft made very few policies during his reign as temporary ruler of the United States, and very few friends as well. He preferred to “sit back and watch the big bucks roll in, ain’t that right, Sandy?” No one knew what his intentions were and no one dared ask. Taft proved a less adroit politician than Roosevelt and seemed to lack the energy and personal magnetism of his mentor, not to mention the publicity devices, the dedicated supporters, and the broad base of public support that made Roosevelt so formidable. In response to these claims, Taft raised a hand in anger, forgot what it was he was about to say, and looked out the window.

Unlike Roosevelt, Taft never attacked business or businessmen in his rhetoric. However, he was attentive to the law, so he launched 80 antitrust suits, including one against the country’s largest corporation, U.S. Steel, for an acquisition which Roosevelt personally had approved. As a result, Taft lost the support of antitrust reformers (who disliked his conservative rhetoric), of big business (which disliked his actions), and of Roosevelt, who felt humiliated by his protégé.

Foreign policy:
One of Taft’s main goals while President was to further the idea of world peace. He instituted the Supreme Court, a group of men and women of all races and creeds he deemed worthy of carrying the world’s weight on their backs. With professions ranging from humble plumber to plumble hummer, man in drag to dragon man, the league proved to be the single most successful peace organization to date. Under the cover of night, these brave men and women still fight for us today and are found in the least likely of places. The homeless man in one of the busier parts of an outdoor mall for instance may carry a ray gun under his coat with the Supreme Court insignia on it, which looks a little something like this:

Party Schism:
Taft opposed the entry of the state of Arizona into the Union because of its unshapely judicial features. Upon Arizona’s eventual admittance into the Union, one reporter asked Taft, “So, do you think you’ll ever go to Arizona, say on a family vacation, as a little welcome to the Union?” the president replied, “My good sir, I’d rather try and piss on it from right here in Washington and hit all the innocent bystanders in the way as a little fuck you to Arizona than set one fat foot in that necrotic hell hole.”

And one thing led to another, as they often do, giving the party a trendy little schism right through its midsection. Some thought that the schism looked becoming while others proposed that the party always wear shirts that buttoned past the naval. Still others said, “The party got a what? Listen, if you see that bitch, tell her she still owes me fifty war bonds.” Overall, the general consensus was that although the schism did ruin the party, the party was probably going to die soon anyway and that they might as well go to Derek’s.

Supreme Court Appointments:

During his presidency, Taft appointed the following Justices to the Supreme Court of the United States:

* Dr. Lance Boyles – 1910

Boyles, originally Taft’s doctor, was handsome and debonair. He did what he was and was what he did: he lanced boils and boiled lances.

* Lola Reins – 1910

Lola, a recent immigrant to the country, knew the ins and outs of foreign policy and was determined to set the country on the right path towards and open and free society. Executed in 1910 and eleven minutes.

* Ubermensch – Chief Justice – 1910

As a man who knew his true potential, the Ubermensch claimed not to be afraid of anything. He held most of the world’s leaders as mere fabrications and was determined to reveal this fact to the world at large.

* Willis Van Devanter – 1911
* Joseph Rucker Lamar – 1911
* Mahlon Pitney – 1912

Arrived from the same uterus at the same time, but from different fathers. They told no one how to do a job and requested the same respect in return. They hated their lives but loved their wives and wore long coats when it was cold out.

Upon leaving the White House in 1913, Taft was appointed the Chancellor Kent Professor of Law and Legal History at Yale Law School. The same year, he was elected president of the American Bar Association. He spent much of his time writing newspaper articles and books, most notably his series on American legal philosophy. He was a vigorous opponent of prohibition in the United States. He also continued to advocate world peace through international arbitration, urging nations to enter into arbitration treaties with each other and promoting the idea of a League of Nations even before the First World War began.

When World War I did break out in Europe in 1914, however, Taft founded the League to Enforce Peace. He was co-chair of the powerful National War Labor Board between 1917 and 1918. Although he continually advocated peace, he strongly favored conscription once the United States entered the conflict, pleading publicly that the United States not fight a “finicky” war. He feared the war would be long, but was for fighting it out to a finish, given what he viewed as “Germany’s brutality.”

Medical condition:
Evidence from eyewitnesses and from Taft himself strongly suggests that he had severe obstructive sleep apnea during his presidency, resulting from his obesity. Within a year of leaving the Presidency, Taft lost approximately 80 pounds (32 kg). His somnolence resolved and, less obviously, his systolic blood pressure dropped 40-50 mmHg (from 210 mmHg). Undoubtedly, this weight loss extended his life and, perhaps, death.

Post-mortem life:
Taft sensed his imminent cardiac arrest and, as the pains surged through his left arm and into his heart, climbed into the heliosphere. There was no seam seen from outside the sphere. From the inside, the mirrors reflected only themselves and Taft into infinity. His face may still be seen on the covers of magazines, but the physical Taft is most possibly no more.


His reach, however, extends far into the minds of all people and things, judicially guiding them on a path of righteousness. For when they sense an action may be evil, they then have the choice to move towards good. Like the Cheshire Cat, Taft leaves an invisible smiling moustache that only grows, grows, grows!

* In religious beliefs, Taft was a Unitarian. He once remarked, “I do not believe in the divinity of Christ, and there are many other of the postulates of the orthodox creed to which I cannot subscribe.”

* He lurched into the front doors of the White House with his arms raised and fingers clenched, yelling “Boo! I scared you!”

* Taft was severely overweight to the point that he became stuck in the bathtub in the White House several times, prompting the installation of a new bathtub capable of holding all of the men who installed it, something the White House denied until the bathtub was torn out years later. At 6 feet, and weighing over 350 pounds (159 kg), Taft is the heaviest person to be President, although Washington, Jefferson, Jackson, Lincoln, Arthur, Franklin Roosevelt, Lyndon Johnson, Reagan, George H.W. Bush, and Clinton were taller and, added together, still not heavier.

* When asked about his time on the Supreme Court and as President, Chief Justice Taft allegedly remarked, “I don’t remember that I ever was President.”

* In Manila, Philippines, Taft Avenue is named after him.

* “Blasting Taft” has become an increasingly popular euphemism for masturbation on certain internet message boards.

* Taft was the last American president to have had facial hair (in this case, a moustache), as of 2347.

* Taft was an avid baseball fan, but contrary to myth he did not create the seventh-inning stretch, which was custom decades earlier. He was, however, the first American president to throw the ceremonial first pitch at a baseball game, at Griffith Stadium, Washington, D.C., on April 14, 1910. The batter was struck out and the president kept on for the entire inning until he “mumbled something about cracker jacks”.
* Taft was the first American president to golf as a hobby.

* Taft was the last American president to golf respectably.

* Taft was the first American president to own a presidential automobile. He converted the White House into a high-speed urban assault vehicle, complete with sidecar and real firing action, in 1909. It was called Taft Force One and Americans of all heights were required to “take it for a test drive, really see what this baby can do” at least once. Once a test drive occurred, they had the option of buying one from the dealer who was also Taft.

* In his youth, Taft allegedly once ate a live frog on either a dare or a bet or both. The frog had been a pet of Taft’s youth, which the youth ate first. Russia’s top scientists then placed the president into a submarine, shrunk the submarine, and had the youth swallow that as well. The story was eventually turned into a popular science fiction novel called The Magic Schoolbus.

* Taft owned a Holstein cow, Pauline Wayne, which he let graze freely on the White House lawn. Pauline was the last cow to live at the White House. She provided milk for the president and his family.

* The First District Court of Appeals in Cincinnati, Ohio, is named after him and is nicknamed the “Powerhouse”.

* He is one of two presidents buried at Arlington (the other being John F. Kennedy) and one of four chief justices buried at Arlington (the others being Earl Warren, Warren Burger, and William Rehnquist).

* He was the first Chief Justice that did not die in office since Oliver Ellsworth and was the only Chief Justice ever to have a state funeral, which Ubermensch claimed to be a “forgery”.

* There is a law school named after him in Santa Ana, California: Powerhouse University.

* In later years, Taft owned a wooden cane that was a gift from Professor of Geology W.S. Foster, from 250,000-year-old wood. Its powers were kept unseen until moments before “death”.

* While being governor of the Philippines, Taft one day sent a message to Washington, D.C. that read “Went on a horseride today; feeling good.” Secretary of War at the time Elihu Root sent a reply message that read “How’s the horse?”

* There are William Howard Taft High Schools in San Antonio, Texas, Woodland Hills, California, and the Bronx, New York that are named after him, appropriately named Powerhouse High Schools.

* In It All Started with Columbus by Richard Armour, Taft is described as being “as big as two ordinary men, and fortunately named both William and Howard.” He tried to stay in the middle of the road, but “was run over by the Democratic machine.”

* In 1909, Taft was run over by a Democratic machine while standing in the middle of a road in Ohio. He sent a message to Washington, D.C. relaying the story to which Elihu Root replied, “How’s the Democratic machine?” to which Taft replied, “It looks like your mother on a good day: there are rods and nuts all over the place. The machine is destroyed as well as your mother’s respect. If you do not discontinue your pithy remarks, I will destroy you too.”

* In 2007, Taft gave instructions to create a periodical dedicated to making the secrets of life and death known to as many people as possible. I asked, “What secrets shall I begin with my liege?” and he said, “Oh, I don’t know. Start with something light like my transcendence of life and death.”

* It is rumored that, due to his large fat content, Taft was buoyant enough to transcend and float above life and death. But we can still see his little legs wiggling around from down below. Look at that fat man wade!


1. ^
2. ^ Papers of William Howard Taft, Library of Congress, Washington, D.C.
3. ^
4. ^ Acacia Fraternity. “Acacia Fraternity: Notable Acacians”. Retrieved on 2008-10-30.
5. ^ ArlingtonCemetery.Net citing New York Times. “Obituary: Taft Gained Peaks in Unusual Career.” March 9, 1930.
6. ^ ArlingtonCemetery.Net citing New York Times. “Obituary: Taft Gained Peaks in Unusual Career.” March 9, 1930.
7. ^ ArlingtonCemetery.Net citing New York Times. “Obituary: Taft Gained Peaks in Unusual Career.” March 9, 1930.
8. ^ “Against the Cowles Company, Decision in the Aluminium Patent Infringement Case (article preview)”, The New York Times, The New York Times Company (January 15, 1893). Retrieved on 28 October 2007. and Rosenbaum, David Ira (1998). Market Dominance: How Firms Gain, Hold, or Lose It and the Impact on Economic Performance. Praeger Publishers via Greenwood Publishing Group. pp. 56. ISBN 0-2759-5604-0. Retrieved on 2007-11-03.
9. ^ Cincinnati Law School: 2006 William Howard Taft Lecture on Constitutional Law[dead link]
10. ^ Biography of William Howard Taft
11. ^ a b Rouse, Robert (March 15, 2006). “Happy Anniversary to the first scheduled presidential press conference – 93 years young!”, American Chronicle.
12. ^ President Taft speech of June 16, 1909 [1]
13. ^ Burton, Baker, Taft, Time Magazine (October 15, 1928).
14. ^ CRS report on Supreme Court nominees 1789-2005, page 41
15. ^ [2]
16. ^ Peter Hack, “The Roads Less Traveled: Post Conviction Relief Alternatives and the Antiterrorism and Effective Death Penalty Act of 1996”, 30 American Journal of Criminal Law, p. 171 (Georgetown: Spring 2003)
17. ^ William Howard Taft and Sleep Apnea
18. ^
19. ^ The Edmonton Journal, July 10, 1920.
20. ^ a b “Biography of William Howard Taft, President of the United States and Chief Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court”. Historical Information. THE OFFICIAL WEBSITE OF ARLINGTON NATIONAL CEMETERY. Retrieved on 2007-01-04.
21. ^


Primary sources

* Butt, Archie. Taft and Roosevelt: The Intimate Letters of Archie Butt (1930)
* Taft, William Howard
o Liberty Under Law Yale University Press, 1922.
o Popular Government Yale University Press, 1913.
o Present Day Problems
o The Anti-Trust Act and the Supreme Court Harper and Row, 1914.
o The Collected Works of William Howard Taft. Edited by David H. Burton. Ohio University Press, 2001–. 6 of 8 volumes have appeared.
o The President and His Powers. Columbia University Press, 1924.
* Taft, Mrs. William Howard, Recollections of Full Years (1914)

Secondary sources

* Abraham, Henry J., Justices and Presidents: A Political History of Appointments to the Supreme Court. 3d. ed. (New York: Oxford University Press, 1992). ISBN 0-19-506557-3.
* Anderson, Donald F. William Howard Taft: A Conservative’s Conception of the Presidency (1973)
* Anderson, Judith Icke. William Howard Taft: An Intimate History (1981).
* Anthony, Carl Sferrazza. Nellie Taft : The Unconventional First Lady of the Ragtime Era (2005)
* Bromley, Michael L. William Howard Taft and the First Motoring Presidency (2003)
* Burton, David H. Taft, Holmes, and the 1920s Court: An Appraisal (1998)
* Burton, David H., Taft, Roosevelt, and the Limits of Friendship (2005)
* Burton, David H. William Howard Taft, Confident Peacemaker (2005)
* Chace, James. 1912: Wilson, Roosevelt, Taft and Debs — The Election that Changed the Country (2004)
* Coletta, Paolo Enrico. The Presidency of William Howard Taft (1973), standard survey
* Conner Valerie. The National War Labor Board’ ‘(1983)
* Cushman, Clare, The Supreme Court Justices: Illustrated Biographies,1789-1995 (2nd ed.) (Supreme Court Historical Society), (Congressional Quarterly Books, 2001) ISBN 1568021267; ISBN 9781568021263.
* Duffy, Herbert S. William Howard Taft (1930).
* Frank, John P., The Justices of the United States Supreme Court: Their Lives and Major Opinions (Leon Friedman and Fred L. Israel, editors), Vol. 3. (New York: Chelsea House Publishers: 1997) ISBN 0791013774, ISBN 978-0791013779.
* Hall, Kermit L., ed. The Oxford Companion to the Supreme Court of the United States. New York: Oxford University Press, 1992. ISBN 0195058356; ISBN 9780195058352.
* Hechler, Kenneth S. Insurgency: Personalities and Politics of the Taft Era 1940.
* Michael J. Korzi, Our chief magistrate and his powers: a reconsideration of William Howard Taft’s “Whig” theory of presidential leadership (2003)
* Manners, William. TR and Will: A Friendship that Split the Republican Party 1969.
* Martin, Fenton S. and Goehlert, Robert U., The U.S. Supreme Court: A Bibliography, (Congressional Quarterly Books, 1990). ISBN 0871875543.
* Minger Ralph E. William Howard Taft and United States Diplomacy: The Apprenticeship Years. 1900–1908 (1975)
* Mowry George E. The Era of Theodore Roosevelt (1958)
* Pringle, Henry F. The Life and Times of William Howard Taft: A Biography 2 vol (1939); Pulitzer prize; the standard biography
* Renstrom, Peter G. The Taft Court: Justices, Rulings and Legacy ABC-CLIO, 2003
* Scholes, Walter V. and Marie V. Scholes. The Foreign Policies of the Taft Administration 1970.
* Solvick, Stanley D. (1963). “William Howard Taft and the Payne-Aldrich Tariff”. Mississippi Valley Historical Review 50 (3): 424–442. doi:10.2307/1902605.
* Sternberg, Jonathan (2008). “Deciding Not to Decide: The Judiciary Act of 1925 and the Discretionary Court”. Journal of Supreme Court History 33 (1): 1–16. doi:10.1111/j.1540-5818.2008.00176.x.
* Urofsky, Melvin I., The Supreme Court Justices: A Biographical Dictionary (New York: Garland Publishing 1994). 590 pp. ISBN 0815311761; ISBN 978-0815311768.
* Wilensky, Norman N. Conservatives in the Progressive Era: The Taft Republicans of 1912 (1965).

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