Cold Stone Creamery is Corrupting Traditional American Values by Katie Jacobson
Entering Cold Stone Creamery, one is assaulted with the smell of numerous flavors of ice cream and the nearly countless toppings available to be mixed in to this ice cream. The staff, permanently cheerful, allows one to sample ice cream flavors before committing to a “Creation” (Cold Stone’s name for the unique ice-cream-and-topping mixtures they concoct), and they sing when they get a tip. The walls are decorated with giant posters of scrumptious-looking ice cream being enjoyed by delighted-looking people. All of this, however, is but a cheerful mask upon a malevolent beast.
After taking advantage of the free samples, it comes time for one to choose which creation they want. Cold Stone offers a number of pre-conceived combinations of ice cream flavors and toppings, all of which have amusing names. Alternatively, one may choose their own combination. Once a decision has been reached as far as what Creation to get, one must then decide what size they want. This is where the Devil comes in.
The sizes at Cold Stone are not the traditional Small, Medium, and Large. Instead, these traditional, respectable, infallible size names have been replaced by “Like It,” “Love It,” and “Gotta Have It,” respectively. This author’s concern is not with the fact that Cold Stone Creamery has come up with unique names for the sizes of their ice cream as a cute marketing gimmick. Rather, I am troubled by the loose sexual morals these size names suggest.
“Like It” and “Love It” are decent enough: they suggest feelings which are perfectly natural and furthermore quite beautiful. However, the terming “Gotta Have It” suggests a demonic lust that is harmful to the values of this nation. Cold Stone Creamery has corrupted one of the last great innocent pleasures, ice cream, with its wicked terminology. An ice cream store should not be a house of sin! Children should be allowed to enter their local ice cream shop without being bombarded by the messages of the Devil. What’s worse is that by making “Gotta Have It” the largest size, Cold Stone Creamery is boldly stating that lust is superior to the true, lasting love that can exist between two respectable, heterosexual, God-fearing people.
It is with this shameless promotion of sin in mind that I urge you: boycott Cold Stone Creamery until they see the light and change their evil ways. This fair nation cannot stand another blow to its dignity, and we principled citizens must uphold certain standards of decency. The wicked insinuations of Cold Stone Creamery are simply unacceptable, and it is imperative that we protect ourselves and our children from the hell-bound heretics who use ice cream as a delicious guise for their Satanist agenda.
